blog#2

ako'y nilamon ng pag-ibig

basag ako ngayon. it's so ironic that yesterday, i felt so ecstatic giving the girl i love what she said was the best birthday gift anyone's ever given her. and now, i don't even know if what i feel is real. people, read what she has to say here. i only read it this morning and suddenly i felt like crap. in so many levels. and to think, if she were allowed to go to tomorrow's game, i would've come clean and told her everything i felt. that would have been the worst moment of my life.

i don't wanna be part of the things causing her not to feel. i know things are okay now, but because of what's happened in the past, and the fact that she keeps on thinking about it, she turns out numb and un-feeling. i don't wanna be the one causing that to happen.

clearly, we're not on the same level. what i feel for her is not what she feels for me. i guess she has just been protecting herself from what's really bothering her. brainwashing herself to think that everything's okay. i don't want that. i just want her to be true. to be real. to be happy.

i just feel like crap for trying so hard to do all these things for her, to make everything right, to finally be with her, and suddenly, everything seems as if it's crashing down. i know i shouldn't think that way, i know that i should think that i still have a chance at this, but i can't help it. wala rin pala sa kanya. wala rin pala sa akin. i guess i screwed up too much. i guess God's telling me that it's still not time. that i still have to be alone.

on the bright side, i'm still okay with it all. i mean, steady pa rin naman. kahit papano. hehe. it just sucks cuz i thought i really had something real here. something real. finally. you know? and i really am in love with her, you know?

oh well.