blog#7

wishful thinking

you have no idea how hard it is.

blog#6

Poems Of Love

The Japanese Sunset Burns Like Wildfire

The Japanese Sunset burns like wildfire.
Never has terror and beauty walked
together with such closeness.
Two million hues of yellow and four
million shades of red.
The final farewell of a day lived
with agony and bliss.
The first greeting of a night of
dreams and darkness alike.
God is a painter whose palette is
our sight; canvas, the sky.
My shadow towers over me like a
predator disguised as my muse.
The clouds walk with me as I
chase the waning sun.
She leaves me with the promise of tomorrow.
Marvel is fleeting and
love,
the Japanese Sunset

The River

So afraid to jump in.
Lest the plumet in the end.
She struts with such majesty and grace as
with anger and destruction.
A million sounds and a million faces in
a single heartbeat.
Plunge and make love with the current.
Lose one's self to gain everything else.
Or so the river says.
She will never stop for you.
And you will never swim against her
might waves.
You will drown in her.
You will drown in her.
So afraid to jump in.

The Tree

Every day, I would pass this tree.
I never did stop for her.
Like God's own image, though
not as complicated, she weathered
away.
Everyday, I would pass this...
I never did stop for her.
And now that she is delivered
unto Gaia,
I miss her like home.

Where The World Sees a Man of Determination

Where the world sees a man of determination,
adoration and passion, she sees
mist, blurry and cold.
The pale moon can never share
the sky with the diamond sun.
An angel can never kiss a mere mortal.
Beuty is pain, pain is love, and beauty is
what the dying moon feels.
All the love there ever was,
all the hope there ever will be
is not enough to make her dance with me.

blog#5

choices

i don't know whether i should dive in to take a chance. i've become cynical and bitter. i feel as though i really don't want to feel anything towards anybody. for self-preservation. and so that i won't be dragging anybody into my own mess. i just feel that if i ever go with my feelings again, i'll only be hurting the person in the process. sooner or later, the real me will catch up and i'll get tired and bored and rearing to move on. and that'll just crush the person i'm oh-so attracted to right now. i can't do it. i just can't. sure, she's great now, but sooner or later, i'm going to find something wrong with her and focus on that forever until i totally eat away everything good i had with her. it's just soooo wrong. i hate myself for being this way. i really, really want to change. so much. sana steady lang ako. sana i can just like someone without any strings attached. no wonder i'm so lonely. i hate myself. i want to like her. i really do. but it's so hard. i have to protect her since i like her. even if it means walking away.

blog#4

past bites back

recently having closure on the issue with anna achacoso, it has come to my attention that i haven't reached the same closure with jana. just a few minutes ago, she called me up using YM and allowed me to view her webcam. seeing her and hearing her for 23 minutes made me feel all weird inside. i dunno. i can go on about how much jana is more than anyone else to me, but i'll only be lying and masking myself. the truth is, what lingers is denial. i'm hoping to kill that denial because i know the horrible truth: jana is not the one for me and there is no chance between us. ever. but i do miss her though. i really do. never met anyone who actually asked what exactly i wanted to do in my life. and that was just refreshing. [fuck. again with the denial]

lonely

it's been more than two months. i haven't had a prospect, a crush, an apple for my eye, hell, kahit text mate man lang, wala. and it's a first since i was 13. i dunno how i feel about it. ganito muna for now, i guess. but i'm hoping God surprises me with someone new. hehe.

blog#3

man's quest for what he doesn't know and what he doesn't have will ultimately destroy him. one day, it will be too late and the great empire of man will perish before the ideals that he strived to pursue and live through. - anon.

today i imagined i saved the world.

an evil man with long, flowing hair was taking over the world. he was dressed up like he came from a Final Fantasy game: a cape with fancy embroidery, an armor plated chest with the crest of a symbol of power, gauntlets, and a long, long sword in its holster by his side, but most importantly, his long flowing hair. it danced along with the wind.

for some reason, it seemed as if he and i had some sort of history. it was as if some time in my life i had known him and he had been dear to me. (just as all hero anti-hero scenarios go)

cities were in ruins and hundreds of millions had died in his hand, including people i had cared about. it had been a long journey, but with the help of some compatriots, i was finally at the final stage. on a meadow in the outskirts of a city, we stood far enough from each other not to see the expression on the other's face, but near enough to feel that this would be the end for one of us. moonlight struck the meadow of white flowers that surrounded us, shimmering silver.

what was i doing this for? i could easily just walk away and hide from all this. i could just let him take over the world and live my own quiet life somewhere far, far away where even his plots would not reach. was i doing it for the world? for the people? for the ones whom not once have shown any compassion to one another? for peace? for freedom? for love? yes, maybe for love too. i had fallen in love with one of my compatriots. a beautiful young woman with a perfect face and a perfect personality. the kind of girl only drawn and animated. the kind of girl who dwells only in the imaginations of the idealistic. yes, i had fallen in love with her. so maybe, more than peace, more than freedom, i was doing this for love. it was personal. i was being driven by emotion.

i drew my sword.

an orchestra of intense choir voices with musical accompaniment suddenly cued.

"i'm not going to let you do this...."

a flash of light.

we clashed...

and the battle was on.

we fought. hand on hand. foot on foot. sword on sword. one on one. good versus evil. the epic battle of history.

a flash of light.

as i thrusted and parried i thought of her. my fair lady. my princess. i thought that maybe after all this i could take her to see the stars one night. she and i, and the stars.

sparks came from the crashing swords.

far away, one could see clouds of smoke and dust from all the times we've struck each other and fallen on the cold ground.

he was doing doing this for power. i was doing it for peace, for freedom, for the people, for love. i was the good one and he was the evil one. his hair still danced perfectly with the cold breeze.

a flash of light. slow motion.

a white flower slowly faded into red.

i had been stabbed.

his hair danced in the cold, cold breeze.

falling down, i recollected all the things that had happened that led to this very moment. i thought of the time someone told me i was the one. i thought of the journey i had made going from place to place discovering new ways to defeat my foe and meeting comrades along the way. i recalled the cheesy nights and the cliche days that i had fighting, losing, winning, etc.

"you are no match for me. with you out of the way, my evil plan will be completed. soon, yadiyadiyadiyah the world blahblahblah and will be mine etcetcetcetc."

bad guys talk too much.

cringing nad near death, i lay on the floor of that silver meadow. i once again thought of why i was doing this and who i was doing this for.

i imagined the people liberated and a new world worder with peace and harmony. and i imagined her and the stars. i thought that a girl like that only comes once in a million lifetimes and i wasn't about to give that chance up.

i got up, slowly and groggily and resumed battle stance.

the choir sounds got louder.

i was charging up my power, slowly becoming more and more powerful. a visible aura of light could now be seen flowing around me.

my foe's hair shot up with the wind as he began to hold his ground.

"grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaggh!!!"

a flash of light.

a flash of light.

a flash of my girl waiting for me.

a flash of the people who don't care, hailing me for saving them and their pointless lives.

a flash of light.... and darkness.

and with that, i had done it. my foe, lay on a bed of dandelions and begonias, lifeless.

my bloodstained sword glimmered pink in the moonlight.

the ending began.

(what will happen tomorrow, i wonder? they never seem to show it. i'll have to wait for my imagination to come up with a sequel.)

blog#2

ako'y nilamon ng pag-ibig

basag ako ngayon. it's so ironic that yesterday, i felt so ecstatic giving the girl i love what she said was the best birthday gift anyone's ever given her. and now, i don't even know if what i feel is real. people, read what she has to say here. i only read it this morning and suddenly i felt like crap. in so many levels. and to think, if she were allowed to go to tomorrow's game, i would've come clean and told her everything i felt. that would have been the worst moment of my life.

i don't wanna be part of the things causing her not to feel. i know things are okay now, but because of what's happened in the past, and the fact that she keeps on thinking about it, she turns out numb and un-feeling. i don't wanna be the one causing that to happen.

clearly, we're not on the same level. what i feel for her is not what she feels for me. i guess she has just been protecting herself from what's really bothering her. brainwashing herself to think that everything's okay. i don't want that. i just want her to be true. to be real. to be happy.

i just feel like crap for trying so hard to do all these things for her, to make everything right, to finally be with her, and suddenly, everything seems as if it's crashing down. i know i shouldn't think that way, i know that i should think that i still have a chance at this, but i can't help it. wala rin pala sa kanya. wala rin pala sa akin. i guess i screwed up too much. i guess God's telling me that it's still not time. that i still have to be alone.

on the bright side, i'm still okay with it all. i mean, steady pa rin naman. kahit papano. hehe. it just sucks cuz i thought i really had something real here. something real. finally. you know? and i really am in love with her, you know?

oh well.

blog#1

a new face

here it is. a new secret blog. hah. the old one was getting too public already. anyway, what's there to talk about here? hmmm.

punit

i'm in love with that girl. yes, i am. it's safe to say. she's shown me a whole world that i never thought i could see. i'm so grateful that God gave me the oppurtunity to meet her. i've made mistakes before and even made some at the expense of her feelings, but that's all different now. i would never do anything to jeopardize what we have right now. but then, mind you, she isn't my girlfriend. haha. when you meet so many people, you see so many girls and though you want to make a move and put on the shiny shoes and do magic, deep down, you really don't want to. all you wanna do, is appreciate. and that's cuz, you know, that no matte rhow hot, how unbelievably perfect these girls may seem to be, they can never compare to the one you love. they may be hot, but she's beautiful. something like this has never happened to me until now.

i tell you, if this were taken two years back, i'd be very happy. here's a girl who's got everything except that she's got a little too much of it. too much that she is hella unstable. you just can't keep up with her. she has trouble expressing herself, is very inconsistent, and has a twisted plot to play hard to get all the time. but then.... if this were two years ago, i'd consider myself the luckiest guy ever.

so what's the deal? what's with the two girls?

i'm in love with someone right? it's all good after a really rough time that had just passed, things are finally setting into place, getting ready, getting steady. and that's all good. i want it to happen. i just need a little more time really think about it. but nonetheless, it's what i want and i wouldn't let anything happen that would just ruin everything.

[pom pom pom]

here she comes. with all her prettiness, her simplicity and naivity. bah. i've known her for more than two years and even though we had a history, we've never been as close to each other as we are now. bigla lang eh. we text very often and even chat with each other until the wee hours of the morning. she even told me that she was jealous of the other girl. hell, she's my makeshift girlfriend. we had our monthsary on june 27. i call her gf and she calls me bf. it's a playful thing but it makes you wonder up to what point is this all a joke.

she's the only girl who's ever asked about my family. intensely. like the names of my parents, my sisters, what they did, how my relationship was with them. etc. she too the initiative. she even wanted to find out what i wanted to do in life, what i really wanted to do. i've never really really shared that with anyone.

but like i said, she's inconsistent, naive, unstable, and is probably just toying around with the whole situation. and besides, she's leaving for the states next month.. forever. maybe that's a reason why all this is happening. and besides, i don't think it'll ever compare to the chemistry and one-ness that i have with the one i'm in love with.

so wait, why am i getting all affected? ba't ako intense?

i know there's nothing wrong with flirting back. i know that right now, i know what i want and i stand by it, and i will never do anything to jeopardize it. but the fact of the matter is, i don't want any of this with the unstable one to escalate. i mean, sure, it's great that all this with her is happening, and sure i'm attracted to her and i'm really enjoying her company and her friendship and all, but i don't want it to reach to a point when i'm gonna start intensely liking her and stuff. and we all know where that's going to lead. i know that this new blossoming friendship with her has opened a window at the very back of my head which i haven't been minding. and outside the window, it says, "maybe there's a chance with this girl. maybe she isn't as unstable as she was. maybe she's a price catch." soon, i'm sure, the draft from this window will be felt...

damn. sana hindi. i'm happy with the way things are. i love my wendy darling. i really do. but i'm not even comitted yet. and that's why a part of me keeps going the other way and if i rush into things and commit, that part of me will be left astray in the other direction and i'll be incomplete na talaga, i guess i just need to know. need to figure things out. need to focus. need to be stronger. need to stop all this senseless flirting [window: maybe it isn't senseless. maybe it's real]

bah. i hate being human.